Dateline: February 25, 2009
Today Bishop Eniman made the startling announcement that Ashes would no longer be permitted in his diocese. His Vicar General issued the following statement:
Every year on Ash Wednesday we subject the general Catholic populace to Ashes. It's even worse for those Catholics who think that Ash Wednesday, like Christmas and Easter, is one of the only days they need to show up for Mass. Seriously, why would we want to put them through this? It only makes them more likely to never come back.
When asked for further clarification on the matter, Bishop Eniman stated that "Look, we know that choirs are especially fond of Ashes but what are we telling people when we sing 'we raise ourselves from ashes and create ourselves anew?' If that's the case, why did Christ bother to die? He obviously didn't consult a choir director or liturgist before sacrificing Himself for us. If you don't like this decision, just wait: guitars and tambourines are next."
And then I woke up. Sigh...