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When You Care Enough To Bring The Very Best...

by Ian on May 16, 2006

As the bishop, are you tired of being ambushed by liturgical dancers, rain sticks and clay chalices when you celebrate the Mass at different parishes around the diocese? Don't worry about that any longer. We at Liturgical Anonymous have created a new program for bishops who would rather just bring good liturgy with them instead of dealing with the headaches of entrenched parish liturgists.

The Liturgical Express Semi

The Liturgical Express is a fully equipped Peterbuilt that includes the following features:

  • C7 Caterpillar 300 HP
  • Automatic
  • Engine Brake
  • Air Trac Suspension
  • 220" WB
  • 22.5 Tires
  • Polished Aluminum Wheels
  • Air Conditioning
  • Cabin-over-cab option for trips to remote parishes

The Trailer comes standard with:

  • Air conditioning
  • Dressing room
  • Air suspension
  • Wireless internet access
  • Liturgical document database and uplink to the Vatican for last minute ceremonial clarifications
  • Sizes from 30' to 53'

Options for the trailer include:

  • Full vestment sets in all official liturgical colors including black. Matching dalmatics for the deacon are optional. Chalice veils are included as well as copes and humeral veils.
  • Deacon can be supplied at extra cost if the parish option goes into seizures when the words "dalmatic" or "kneeling" are mentioned.
  • 4 part polyphonic choir with attached Gregorian Chant schola. Number of choir members ranges from 8 on up. A compliment of more than 16 members will require the purchase of the Polyphonic Express matching tour bus.
  • Portable organ.
  • Liturgist Snuffer for pesky liturgists who can't define "hierarchy", "GIRM", and "reverence".
  • BXVI Approved(tm) chalice and patens.
  • Cecilia 5000 Jamming system that disables all amplifiers, electric guitars, electric pianos and Donahue headsets within a square mile radius.
  • Portable kneelers (Thanks to Elizabeth)
  • Crack altar server squad that includes an MC, Thurifer, Crucifer and two candle bearers. Boat bearer and torch bearers are extra and can travel with the extra choir members on the Polyphonic Express. The altar server squad includes:
    • Cassocks and surplices
    • Thurible, boat and incense
    • Processional Crucifix (that would be a cross with a corpus that can be used in sanctuaries lacking one)
    • Torches (optional)
    • Processional candlesticks
    • Sanctus bells
  • Portable low-voltage electric fence to keep Life Teen and concelebrating laity out of the sanctuary.

For those churches that are beyond Catholic liturgy, Liturgical Anonymous is offering its Cathedral Express service. Stay tuned for details.

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