As the bishop, are you tired of being ambushed by liturgical dancers, rain sticks and clay chalices when you celebrate the Mass at different parishes around the diocese? Don’t worry about that any longer. We at Liturgical Anonymous have created a new program for bishops who would rather just bring good liturgy with them instead of dealing with the headaches of entrenched parish liturgists.
The Liturgical Express is a fully equipped Peterbuilt that includes the following features:
- C7 Caterpillar 300 HP
- Automatic
- Engine Brake
- Air Trac Suspension
- 220″ WB
- 22.5 Tires
- Polished Aluminum Wheels
- Air Conditioning
- Cabin-over-cab option for trips to remote parishes
The Trailer comes standard with:
- Air conditioning
- Dressing room
- Air suspension
- Wireless internet access
- Liturgical document database and uplink to the Vatican for last minute ceremonial clarifications
- Sizes from 30′ to 53′
Options for the trailer include:
- Full vestment sets in all official liturgical colors including black. Matching dalmatics for the deacon are optional. Chalice veils are included as well as copes and humeral veils.
- Deacon can be supplied at extra cost if the parish option goes into seizures when the words “dalmatic” or “kneeling” are mentioned.
- 4 part polyphonic choir with attached Gregorian Chant schola. Number of choir members ranges from 8 on up. A compliment of more than 16 members will require the purchase of the Polyphonic Express matching tour bus.
- Portable organ.
- Liturgist Snuffer for pesky liturgists who can’t define “hierarchy”, “GIRM”, and “reverence”.
- BXVI Approved(tm) chalice and patens.
- Cecilia 5000 Jamming system that disables all amplifiers, electric guitars, electric pianos and Donahue headsets within a square mile radius.
- Portable kneelers (Thanks to Elizabeth)
- Crack altar server squad that includes an MC, Thurifer, Crucifer and two candle bearers. Boat bearer and torch bearers are extra and can travel with the extra choir members on the Polyphonic Express. The altar server squad includes:
- Cassocks and surplices
- Thurible, boat and incense
- Processional Crucifix (that would be a cross with a corpus that can be used in sanctuaries lacking one)
- Torches (optional)
- Processional candlesticks
- Sanctus bells
- Portable low-voltage electric fence to keep Life Teen and concelebrating laity out of the sanctuary.
For those churches that are beyond Catholic liturgy, Liturgical Anonymous is offering its Cathedral Express service. Stay tuned for details.
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{ 17 comments }
Funny stuff
I put up a little promo piece for your store.
Thanks for the plug!
Is the Cecilia 5000 available separately?
I thought a bulldozer would be included for those necessary renovations.
What about an altar rail?
My only complaint – we need to lose the term “worship space” on your trailer. Otherwise, hilarious, and quite good! Keep it up. You’ll be getting a plug on my blog as well.
Peace,
BMP
I should have put "worship space" in quotes. The bulldozer comes with the Cathedral Express. Stay tuned.
LOL – does this “bulldozer” correct the wreckovations by Dick Vosko and the like?
BMP
Perhaps you will need to bring along some chapel veils and dresses for the ladies – better yet, bring along a group of reverent ladies and gentlemen and kids who behave to sit in the front pew.
You may want to add kneelers to the truck.
Great idea – and not very far-fetched !!
EAP
Don’t forget the high altar and the tabernacle that fits flush into the high altar. I understand the high altar may have to come in pieces, but that’s what they make pallets and forklifts for hehehehe!
BMP
Baldachini, baldachini, we need baldachini, statues too, to be carried in procession. Canopies, umbrellini, altar-rails, old canons in lace and birretta’s and real fur, bishops in gloves and cappae magnae, apparelled albs, bugia, tall pulpits.
Orchestras, drums, trumpets, papal knights with plumes, equestrian dames on real horses, crowns and copes for the Lord and the Blessed Virgin. Five Cope Vespers, Benediction with tunicled thurifers. Black funeral banners and tall funeral cataphalques and taller candlesticks with unbleached candles. Guttering votive candles by the thousand, piety, silence, gloom. Nuns in starched habits, poor friars in patched habits, ascetic and gaunt monks, hermits with lice, confraternities in hoods.
Classic!!!
I just love it — but seems you had the idea before we did. A mate an I were joking about somethign similar just the other day.
My own post on 5/7 introduces a guard dog to protect your parish against liturgical abuse.
He looks pretty dignified for a four-legged friend. LMAO!
BMP
Where have you been all along? This is the answer to so many problems. Sign me up.
Yeah, Fr. Gregory! Very Interesting! Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have some of our “old” Catholic traditions brought back. Such as Forty Hours Devotion with a children’s procession and some good old hymns, etc. How about more reverence at Mass with no talking to your neighbor, appropriate dress and not leaving Mass before the liturgy is really finished.
With a rig like that, you could make house calls for those who don’t want to bother getting dressed up. It would give a new name to home delivery.
Is this real? It would certainly be a way of having everything real handy.
Appropriate dress would certainly be a change, especially in Summer.
Hymns that are Biblically, doctrinally, and liturgically correct would be great!
People staying until everything is completed? Wow!
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